If I had to choose one thing about myself that I hate above all else it is that I am a yeller.
I didn't used to be one. My mom yelled at me a lot and I vowed to break the chains and not do that to my kids.
I had Brock and life was grand, I loved every moment of motherhood, even the hard moments. We found out I was pregnant with Jude and I was ecstatic. We were going to give our sweet Brock a sibling, complete our family, and have everything we ever dreamed of.
Jude was born and we faced so many challenges with him, I had postpartum depression and post postpartum anxiety. My sweet Brock turned 3 and was no longer all that sweet, he became defiant and pushed buttons. As for Jude, well, he cried. A lot. As in all day, everyday. The only time he didn't cry was when he was asleep.
I was in such a dark depressive state yelling became my coping mechanism of sorts. I was scared, hurting, and felt so alone (though, I had a lot of support I didn't see it at the time) yelling became my norm.
Now I yell, well because I have been for the past three years. I yell then feel horrible about it, rinse and repeat. I have told myself several times over the years time and time again I need to quit, but yet I don't.
A few weeks ago a great friend, Mallory, told me about a no yelling challenge. I wasn't ready then, yelling makes my boys snap to attention and listen. I needed yelling to survive, I didn't think I could stop. Until I took note that when I say Jude's name in a loud tone at all, he covers his ears. When I talk to Brock he immediately thinks he's in trouble.
Then yesterday happened. The boys were being boys, loud, rambunctious, and defiant. I was at my wits end by 9:45AM. I lost it, I did the crazy mom scream until I was purple in the face, while my husband watched. About five minutes later he came up to me and said, "No. Never again do I want to hear you yell at our children like that. You told me if you ever acted like your mom I needed to tell you, and well, you are acting like her. You told me how bad she would make you feel about yourself and now, you are doing it to our children."
It was like I was slapped across the face, but it was the truth, he said it with love, and it needed to be said. I have known for a long time that I need to stop, so I am trying. You have to start somewhere so here I am, day one of the challenge.
Why am I putting this out there on the internet for all to see? Accountability. Plain and simple. I have talked with friends about it, and my husband about it. For me to break the habit I am going to have to be held accountable. I will update here when I can about my failures and triumphs I am pretty sure there will be plenty of both.
Here is the blog Mallory introduced me to that I will be following and getting ideas from on other ways I can discipline my kids without yelling at them. http://theorangerhino.com/the-challenge-details/