Wednesday, November 13, 2013

On Grief

Grief is such a funny thing. It is powerful, knock you on your butt powerful, but eventually it looses it's power.
Today would have been my moms birthday. Her 52nd birthday, sadly I had to pull out my calculator to figure that out. In the years right after her death the day of her birthday would consume me. I could not stop thinking about how old she'd be, what she would be doing, etc. She only had 43 birthdays. 43. That is only 15 more than I have currently had. I cannot imagine only having 15 more birthdays.
The grief when she first died was so strong I swore it would kill me. I could hardly breathe, I physically hurt from grief, my world was literally spinning out of control without me while I watched on. It has morphed since then into a dull ache that only appears every now and then. Especially when big life events happen, my wedding, when my boys were born, when my oldest son started school. The ache then was stronger, I miss her, I wanted her there to experience those things.
A few months after she died I remember crying to my dad about the physical pain and he said to me, "Amber, there is a day where you won't be consumed by the grief, you won't think about her every single day after awhile it will hit you that you haven't thought about her in days." I looked at him with the look that only a scorned teenager can give (sorry about that, dad) and spouted off, "I will NEVER not think of my mom all day. NEVER!" I was nothing if not dramatic, and I was nothing if not very wrong. He was right. I am no longer consumed with the death of my mom. Losing her suddenly when I was 19 does not, and will not define me.
The fact that I am no longer consumed with her loss does not mean I did not love her. It means I am choosing to live even though she died. Sadly, life goes on, things and people change, and those who have passed on settle nicely into our hearts, but out of our immediate thoughts.
I still think about her all the time, I do wonder what my life would look like if she were in it. There are a lot of "what if's" that I will never be able to answer. The only thing I know for sure is there is currently a pretty awesome party being thrown in heaven for her 52nd birthday.
Happy Birthday, Momma.

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